I was hoping to get by.

But now I'm not sure too. No improv for another year. All the other people I know who want to do improv can, but I can't. I don't even have enough money for a damn art pad for my art class.
Fuck.

In reality

In reality, there are just some who want to get laid, and some who just want my help every once in a while because its easier that way. They don't really care. No one, really cares. Maybe its time for me to stop caring.

The wrong skin

I look dainty. I look pretty and sunny. I look best wearing a dress.
I act rough. I act heavy and trudgy. I act best wearing some jeans.
I always wished I had a an ugly face. I don't really know why, but that's what I wanted. I wanted to have a crooked nose, for my arms to not quite match, and a scar across my face. I wanted to to have lanky, clunky legs. I wanted to have a notch in my shoulder. I wanted to look how I felt about myself.
But I'm not. I'm pretty as a flower. People tell me that I need to be more comfortable in my own skin. But I don't want to be. Well, I do, but not in this skin.
The only time, I ever, ever considered actually cutting myself is when I was going to cut myself across the face. I'd rip up my dark pink lips, I'd slash my cheekbones, I'd cut off half of my tiny cute ears.  I didn't. But I wanted to.

I want to feel like I have earned my right to live. When I was young, I met so many people who told me that life wasn't worth living. After a point, because of them, religious beliefs I held, and how I saw the world, I believed them, to a point. Life was worth living only if you deserved it. It was something you had to earn. You had to be good enough.

I don't have to be perfect. That's not what I want. I just always need to be getter better. I always need to be improving. One day I'll be good enough. One day it won't be hard to sleep. I deserve this insomnia. I must not be trying hard enough to sleep. I deserve to struggle with depression.  I haven't done anything good enough with my life to be happy, and I'm not trying hard enough to just snap out of it. Its my fault I don't have very many friends, and its my fault I don't know how to keep the ones I have very well. I'm just crazy, after all. I just need fixing. I'm just not good enough. I just need to work on it all, and get better.

I hate, so very much, that they are attracted to me. I don't like you. I don't like you at all. I just wanted a friend, but I see how you look at me. I see how you take every opportunity to spend time with me, how possessive you are of me. I'm not yours to have. I though we were just friends. That's all I fucking wanted.  Now I have a man who spends time with me because a part of him is slowly becoming entitled to me. Who doesn't say their real opinion and tires to be perfect all the time, so I'll fall for them. I don't like you. At all. I just wanted a friend. I have people I'm attracted to, and they aren't you. I don't care about your devotion. I don't care how much you care. I am not yours to have. I will hang out with you. I will study with you. I will help you out, and listen to your problems, and I will be a damn good friend. But I will not be a tiny bit yours. Not one fucking bit. Get a girl friend, and learn more about yourself. I'm not for you no matter how much you think it should be.

I can care for myself. I can accept myself. Its just hard to get over things. Its hard feeling like I'm not good enough. I found a reason to run away from some things. I made myself far too busy, because I'm trying to drown improv forever out of my head. I love it, its great, but it hurts so much. I loved it too much I think. I'm still jealous. No matter how hard I try, and how happy I am for the people I see succeeding, I'm still so jealous. I just want to feel like I have a group of people that are happy to be around me, that think I'm funny, and that I can contribute to the art that we are all doing together. I want nothing more that to make other people laugh. I want it so bad. I practice, I work, but I'm still not good enough. I'm not confident enough, I think too much and I just don't "get it". I'm all wrong, and its just not quite for me. I'm suffocating. Every time I run away from it I just kind of go numb for a while. Every time I go back, even just for a bit my veins erupt, I go out of my mind and I can't look and my best friend. He has so much, and he doesn't even realize it. He may not like himself, and he may have a lot of problems and a hard life, but he has so much. I hate that I'm so jealous. I've put it far away, and I don't ever mention it to him. But he is amazing. He is hilarious, and handsome, and if he tries something, and works hard at it, its his. Granted, there are some things he wants, that's hes just too scared to try, and I don't think he would ever admit he's afraid of them, but he is. He doesn't want to become his brother, and so anything that reminds him of his brother in himself he shuns, and destroys. And yes, that is hard. That sucks a lot. And he feels so much guilt for so many things, so many things he shouldn't, and he carries so much pain, and yes, that is hard. But he has an escape. Once a week he can go on stage and put that all away. Once a week he can get up on a stage and make people laugh away their pains, remember the good in their lives, and feel better about their lives. Once a  week he can do the very best thing you can do for lots of people. Once a week, he becomes perfect, just for a little while. He can feel the exhilaration of the power of creation. He can be in love with the moment because he can desperately feel the power he has to be alive. I want him to be happy. I want to hang out with him and have a good time. I want to listen to his problems, and want to be a good friend. I want to be the one who remembers that he doesn't like spiders, and that is most favorite smell ever is vanilla and that cinnamon is once of the best ingredients ever, and that kiwi would be soo much better if it didn't have a weird texture, and the friend that deals with the fact he puts ketchup on quesadillas, and the friend he can talk to about how he worries that he is never going to have a girlfriend, and how much the friend zone sucks, and how he really, really is freaking out about this next audition and how badly he wants the role of Puck, and how Peter should really take note of that, and everything else. I want to be that good friend. But I'm still jealous, and I'm still socially awkward, and I still have a hard time talking And I still need to work on myself as a person.  I'm a person who needs fixing, and I person who deal with depression a lot more than I'm would like to admit. I try and talk about things that he spends his time avoiding. I fuck things up all the time. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I don't take social cues very well, I'm sorry that I just don't deal with my own stuff well enough, I'm sorry I'm just not good enough. I'm sorry I'm crazy, and I'm working on it it all.

I hate living in my own skin. I tried fitting in with people once, and I hated it. I know how to get people to like me, but I can't live with myself like that. I just cant. I'm don't really fit into and niches, and I don't know what I should do about myself.
I'm thinking of crawling into a cave of 'busy' and never coming out this semester.  
I still fight the urge to run away.
I can't help but feel like people only stick around long enough until I've either disappointing or offended them, and then they find as many ways to leave as possible.

Its raining today.

I think quite often. Most of the time though, I just make up stories in my head. They're not very good, but they're there. That's what my head is stuffed with. Stories. They explore people, and worlds. How things work. How things could be, if things were a little different. How things could be, if they were completely different. What things matter, what things don't. How those things could change...how they do change. Many times, this is how I try to deal with my ineptitude. How I try to deal with my social inadequacies. I run away from where I am. Any time I try to talk about things with people, it just doesn't go well. I have very few friends. I don't know how to talk to them about things. Every time I hang out at all I feel like I'm tripping around in sand. I don't gt very far at all. Its hard to think that people like being around me. I don't really understand things nearly as much as I'd like to. I will get better. I hope. I'm certainly working for it.
There's a mangy, thin cat out side my house. I want to let it in and feed it, buts its scared of humans. The food I left out for it got knocked over and drenched by the rain. 

I am nothing.

I only write, because I am nothing. I write because that's what they told me to do. You're crazy kid. Write all that out of your head. Put it all away. just put it all on a page and then burn it. Its not really you. You know better. Much better. Did you know, that it used to be honorable to kill yourself? In Rome, they would slowly, painlessly bleed themselves out over the course of a day, it was like going to sleep. Just write till you're sane. write it all away. You an scream on a page, until you can't hear your imperfections anymore. Just keep saying things until you are nothing. Til you feel something better, until you are right. No one wants to ever hear these things. That's just awkward. Honesty is a thing of the past. Of a different time. It isn't for you. You think too much you worthless shit. Go stop bothering everyone's lives. No one wants to hear about your bad day, your feears, yours questions....your sad attempts at life. Just go away. No one cares. You don't matter. You may have been telling yourself some lies. That you matter. That you'll get better.....all lies, you know. It's almost amusing.... watching you trying. Look at you! Look at the way you act like you still have hope. Look at how you clumsily go around, you might as well ask a person you never met that they had it all coming, this life of theirs. Look at you. "A had been, who never was", where truer words ever spoken? Just go. Just fucking go. Write yourself sane and normal. No one wants to see who you are. When they do, it just makes them feel awkward, and wishing you would leave sooner. Really, just go fucking die.

Things I'd say to people if they were around for me to say them to.

This is no specific order. This is also not passive aggressive stuff, as that there is no way for me to talk to virtually all of these people, or these are things that I have already told them previously, and I just can't get them off my mind.
1 : I want you to be happy. I want you to like yourself. I want you to realize how much you have. I wish you could tell me to my face that you're disappointed in me. I really hope that you have a wonderful life. I'm sorry that you had to watch me grow into a different person. I'm glad I did, but I know you hated me a little for it.
2: You are the reason that I love comedy. You are the reason I knew good people exist. You are the reason I do my best to never give up on the good things in life. You are still my inspiration. I want you to be happy, and if I ever have the universe owe me a favor, I'm making Jim Carry spend a week with you.
3: I always wonder what type of person I would be if I had never met you. You screwed over so much of my life. I wasted over four years on you. A part of me knows that you didn't die that night, you didn't ever die, but thanks to you I will always know that, at least for that night, I would rather be a murderer than let myself suffer. You are the person that made me realize what it is to hate someone, to become bitter, to become engulfed with indignation. But you also made me stand up for myself. You forced me to put myself first. Even if that meant crushing someone else. I don't think I'll ever forgive you. But I did grow. If I ever met you again, I would probably punch you a few times. And kick you in the balls until you would never be able to reproduce.
4: When I first met you, I wanted to date you. Its been about five years or so, and I still feel this way. I realize this is a problem, and I also realize this will probably never be fixed. I also want you to be happy. You deserve it.
5: I really want to see you in a few years. You are one of the most interesting people I have ever met. Please stay cool and change the world like you said you would. I'm sure that you really made a difference for those kids that you helped build a house for. I want you to learn how to rule a country, because you said you wanted to, and you would make a great president.
6: You were my first best friend. I'm sure you would think me to be a detestable human being, but that's why I was proud to be your friend. You are have to most moral backbone out of virtually all the people I have ever met.
7: You are the most existential person I have ever met. You remind me that great people exist. If I ever wanted to be like someone else, I would want to be like you. I'm sorry I'm a disappointment, but I thank you so much for everything you've told me. All the encouragement, all the honesty, all the openness. You are quite probably the most beautiful person I have ever met, and I'm glad you enjoy your life so much. I have no doubt that you will be famous within a few years.
8: Thank you for all the direction. You helped me to become as good as I am, and helped me stay passionate.
9: Sitting on your roof was one of the coolest moments of my entire life. Your determination and work ethic amaze me; you will one day be the head of Disney, and you will deserve it.
10: I know that you just used me, but I'm glad I got to be your friend. I know you know that I liked you, as that I have never made more of a fool out of myself. I hope you go far.

Things I like:

Improv.
Drawing things.
Painting things.
Designing clothes.
Designing everything else.
Watching good movies.
Talking to smart people about smart things.
Listening to people about their lives.
Snogging. Doesn't happen a lot anymore, but snogging is nice.
Sourdough bread.
Smoothies .
Cities. Real ones. Over 60,000 population ones.
Sushi. Who needs drugs, alcohol, sex, or any other universal high-instigators when you can have sushi?
Cool friends. Ones who don't have a thing for me. Like if I flirted with them, they'd be weirded out, and know that it was only for kicks.
People who do improv with me, and aren't creepy about it.
People that like me.
Water.
Juice.
Ice Cream.
To save much space : FOOD.
Good books.
Being able to talk about good books.
Thus, people who read a lot.
Walks.
Sub-tropic areas.
Working at a place where I can make something. (Nothing against you, janitor job, but there are much better things out there.)
Living away from ones parents.
Having ample amounts of extra money.
Owning lots and lots of art.
Having goals.
Having things.
Being moderately busy.
Seeing different people.
Getting to go on adventures.

Dear God I'm lonely. I'm tired, and I wish I was good at making friends. I'm so weird, I don't mind, but it seems other people do. And its not like I usually care what other people think, hell, at this point, I've even stop caring what OTC things about me.. but dear God is it lonely here. I can't blame anyone but myself, if being with people was more important than other things, I'd have a boy/girlfriend, plenty of people to talk to, and a constant social life. But that's not what I want. I want two or three people who are smart, well-balanced, and ambitious. People who see the world in a better way.  I'm around a philosophy major rather often, and he just doesn't get the world. Not at all. Some days its fine, but other days its so dull. So dry. I have a passion for learning, but also for doing. I can't stand that I'm not in theater. Granted, I would never join this department, but I'm so starved. I while ago, I made a decision to move to LA, and start taking improv classes. Stop going to school for at least a year, and go off and be a human. But I couldn't do it. I made up reasons why I should go. I'm such a coward. I'm too weak. I limit myself and I hate myself for it. "Commit fully. Its the hardest easy thing you'll ever do." I couldn't agree with you more Nate. I wonder if you're disappointed in me. I am.