Welcome, Why Hello. Good Day. My Name.

My Name is Kay.
Someone killed a kitten in the sky and scattered it's fur across the sky to disrupt the twisted light and bring more unseen colors into it.
It is nice to see your face.
I'm happy to see you.

I am not very good at small talk. Nothing is very small to me, that's why I suppose. How you're doing is something I'm really concerned about. Good or Bad. I want to hear you. If your voice doesn't work that's ohkay. I still want to hear you.

I want you to hear me too. I tend to stammer and not make much sense. My conversation follows the path of a fly zipping through the rain. But it isn't pointless. When I start talking about how the trees seem to be swaying to far to the right for today, and then ask if you noticed that she was really hurt yesterday and wanted you to listen, it makes sense. I'm asking you if you want to make her day better. You don't hear that though. You don't hear me too much.

But I still listen to you. I really try to. Details slip past a diligent and torn net. From one caught shred of information a piece of furniture lights up in the dark room so there is one place I'm not supposed to step. Bright, small thread of wire mesh falls from my forehead. It stays on the ground. A bright forgotten trail is made. Its following me, following you.

Today has been a great day. I had lots of fun. The deep end has been neglected again.

Today

There was a point in my life, where I was sure I would die. Granted, this is very true; I will die. As will everyone else. But it felt immediate. I was in no danger. I would just wake up and it felt like I was going to die, sometime soon. Maybe even that day. It was terrifying. I didn't want to die. Not now. Yes, I had no friends. Yes, I didn't like school. Yes, I was constantly sick and generally didn't enjoy anything. But that stopped mattering. I wanted to live. Then after a few weeks, the feeling left.
I now have friends. I'm now starting college. My health is relatively good and I enjoy plenty of things in life. But maybe I'm slipping again. Maybe why I was dying was because I wasn't living. And now, maybe its time to commit fully. To become more. To apply every inch of me to that full spin of life in the air around me and become.
My little sister is an amazing artist. She can't draw from real life too well, but she can draw. She is good. She practices. I want to Practice Drawing. My friend is a history buff. He can remember everything in history and make wonderful connections from it and make it all make sense. I want to read a good history book and understand it and remember some of it. Another friend is excellent at remembering things. He listens very well to every little detail, in order to remember. I want to engage myself in listening. I want to become.
Tomorrow, I will:
1) Do 10 push ups.
2) Draw for half an hour.
3) Read a history something, and make connections.
4) Listen to a mundane conversation with interest.
5) I will begin to live again.

Don't die and take care.
~Kay

I live in today.

Best of Me

My brother often asks me what super power I would have if I could, usually so he can say his and trump mine. But in the fantasies that run through my head at night, when I'm chosen to be the hero and help save people with my friends, when the choice comes for what power I want, mine never matched the ones I gave my brother as a response. Never time manipulation, or the ability to make my own world at a whim and go there whenever; even the ability to have total matter and energy manipulation are forsaken. In the depths of insomnia and imagination, I always choose that I would be able to see exactly the very best I could do in any situation. What Kay's 100% looked like. Anytime. If I did my very best, could I make this jump? Save my friends? Come to terms with the worst of me? And I know the answer.

I am an observer. I have strong opinions of both sides. Both sides always have a point, a strong, logical, valid point. I see both of the sides. They crash into each other loudly, both glaring into the others eye and refusing to see their own reflection in it. Both shout just as loud, both hit just as hard, both hurt just as much. One says 'heads', the other 'tails'. All I can see is different sides of the same coin. All I can see is similarities in the strife of difference.

I don't get into relationships. Not serious ones. I am a friend. I end there. Often, I argue with myself. Blood pumping muscle: "Don't hold back! Have some fun, and just trust him! You really like this one Kay!" Frontal Lobe: "Kay, you will get used. You become more vulnerable, less of yourself, and honestly, even though you have come to terms with yourself, you will lose your ability to make rational decisions on what is most important to you. Learn from the past, yours and others. You know this is not a good idea." So I am split once again in that painful duel of heart versus head. Both sides are most certainly things that are very important to me. Both things are ripping me to shreds. I lose sight of Best. What matters the most, or what did matter becomes a little skewed. Brain wins, and stands correct. Heart hurts, but recovers. Heart wins, hurts, recovery is much longer. Brain still stands correct.

As time goes on, Brain wins more and more, Heart hurts more and more. Best laughs far too hard as it watches me try and figure out where it is. What it is. What am I supposed to do?

-Kay Rhyme

A long awaited update of possibly good news.

I will resume posting. It will be a posting of various things, words, pictures, and maybe that one thing that you really needed to read. This was mostly inspired by Robots own sketch journal, even though he seems to have stopped for good. So here's to change, and a hope that I get somewhere.