The long haul

Then it hits. You suddenly realize you just don't care that much. All your efforts, all the things you work on, the schedule you stick to, the exercise, seeing people, eating good food, it just stops mattering. The change took place slowly you're sure, but the realization is in all one moment. You sit down, with your books, your writing, your art, your learning, your movies, your shows your friends your phone; Your privilaged lot. And it doesn't matter. It just doesn't. You just don't care. You are surrounded by blessing, and its nothing.
Because we care, that was your dying realization. I'm sorry. I love you. I miss you. I am becoming empty. 

Where did you go?

Some days, I lay in bed, and wait to wake up from this life.
A few days ago, I woke up to his voice says my name.  I walked around looking for him for a long time. I still see him out of the corner of my eye, every now and again. I still love you. My dear, I sure wish that I could see you again.
I have a lot of books by Camus, I should read them.

Far away.

Still.

I want to be better than this. So badly. Whatever this is, whatever I am right now, it doesn't seem good enough. Because no one ever cares unconditionally about anyone. It just doesn't work like that. And no one really cares that much, so I must not be good enough.
I must not be enough. I want to be enough. I hurt so badly. I wish I saw the world differently.
I will keep being better. I will get better. I will rely on no one, expect nothing from everyone, and stop hoping for someone. Its better this way. To hurt silently, to stop complaining, and just work on getting better.
No one needs to know me at all. And for those who do, I'm sure they don't care, and would rather they didn't.

Nothing

I just don't know anymore.

Identity

There's a theory of identity, that states you are more closely related to those who are dear to you now that you are to you in 30+ years or so. I mean, look at 10 year old you. Do you really get them? Do you relate to them, and think the same way as them, and worry about the same things you did then? Now how about your friends? Which is closer?

Some nights, I just hurt. I just sit and listen to music that we liked. And I cry some. Turns out you were a big part of me. And you killed that piece of me. I have to make a new person now, all by my self.

No one ever asked why I loved you. They though you were an ass. They never asked why I would date someone like you. You were kind. You cared about me. You never gave me a single reason to be afraid. You never hurt me. Justin, my dear, were the best human I ever met. I love you.

I will never see you again.
I will never talk to you again.
I won't hold you again.
But a bit of you is still here. In me. Its all thats left.

And if I could, things would be different. But I can't. So it isn't.
I love you. We never said goodbye.
So I'm saying goodbye to who I was. Because that person died with you.  And if I killed myself today, I wouldn't be getting any of that person back. I wouldn't be getting anyone back.
I'll never have you back, my dear.
Goodbye.

I miss you.

Sucess!

You're a failure to all! Your parents are disgusted with you! You are no longer welcome here! Good job! Good Fucking Job!

YOU HAVE NO ONE LEFT. NO ONE WHO CARES ANYMORE. ITS ALRIGHT TO DIE NOW. IT WOULDN'T MAKE A FUCKING DIFFERENCE.