This used to be my favorite holdiay.

But I've worked each Halloween night for the past three years, and the only thing that made it ohkay was that you were there. Today is hell. I'm miserable, I'm tired, I'm stressed and it was a lot harder to not cry in class today than it had ever been. Blackbird came on in art class, and I'm not sure how I didn't lose it right there. It hurt so much. I hurt so much. No one even said Happy Halloween.
Wish you were here.

Its hard

Its hard to escape myself. I think about hurting myself a lot. Right now there is a push pin right next to me, and I"m writing to keep my hands from picking it up and sticking it into my side. I'm listening to cheerful music. I feel sick; I've got a thousand things to do. I can't stand myself. I imagine this is what a lemming feels like. The pull into a greater unknown, a dark sight. The fear beckoner, the sweet enticings of that void crawler. An unknowner licking its lips with my being. I'll be with you soon... Or I won't. I feel like rejecting my stomach. The brain vicegrip clamps tighter each day. To be or not to be, it is indeed the question. Oh Hamlet, I'm sure you were happy for your death in the end. That poison was sweet and warm; a sleep well earned. I've taken up not eating much. Its that slow sort of knife, a simple one, an easy one. Befitting of someone so weak. I hate myself. I hate being around me. I'd like to 'jump ship' as they said about him. Ready to drown.

Help Me

Please. Anyone. Someone. Please. I'm so empty. I dream of changing the past. I think about time travel and miracles. I beg for things to be different. I am so hurt. People keep saying they understand. I don't want that. I don't want understanding, I want him back. I want the kindness back. I want those eyes back. I want to call someone in the morning and ask them how they're doing. I want that smell back. I want the sound of you walking down the stairs. I have apples and milk that are all yours. Just swing by and have some. What were you thinking, what were the drugs thinking before you went? Did you think of me? Could I have stopped it? I was awake that night, I wish I would have called. I wish I was there. Oh please... just come back. The world keeps spinning. I don't know what to do. I hurt. I hurt. I gasp for air and everything hurts. I'm crying and shaking and I still need you. I love you. Its all gone now. No ones here. No one cares. Help. Help....I can't do this anymore. Help.

I said I won't.

I've had a lot of people in my life kill themselves. It started when I was in seventh grade, the cutting, the pills, running away. Not me, but the people I knew. The important people.The ones I cared about and knew. After the first one died I made a promise. That I would never do that. I would never leave anyone behind like that. And each time it happened again, I promised a few more people that I wouldn't. But this is the first time that I've ever desperately wanted to. Where are all those people I promised? I sure don't have anyone one here. I've still got to deal with the same people, who are only friends because they want to date me. I've mentions them before, and I'll say again that I"m not yours. I never was, I was always his, and mine. But never theirs. I've got people I see every once in a while, I have a million faces telling me that they understand. I can't stand a single one of them. I can't stand this life. I hate it, all of it. I don't even have improv to cling to. I've got my sick self that can't sleep at night, I've got a thousand pointless things to do, you know, to just stay busy. To keep my mind off of things. To keep it away from the knives, and the pills, and the running away. The cars that veer off the road, the 'accidents', the going missing. The gas mask and oxygen, or carbon monoxide, either the most humane way to go. No mess, no pain, and just like falling asleep. I want to. I've stared into the void for far too long. Its calling. I would know, if there was something after. If it just ended then it would just end, and if not I might get to know. I said I wouldn't.... I promised I'd live....
And so I'm here. A shell. A mask that has a contract scribbled onto the front in black ink. There's an expiration date on it to. I don't want to die. I need to. Its calling. Its calling. Its calling...
I never got to say goodbye, so maybe I wasn't supposed to.
All that's left is for me to say hello.

Dear boy

I've been really, really, really lonely before. And horribly terribly sad. But its not much compared to this. I've never felt human, except when I was with you. Now I'm just rusting from tears. My gears are slow, and I'm missing my energy source. I"m not much without love. Not much at all.

River flows in you

I first heard this song my sophomore year of high school. I sat and listened to it over and over again, completely entranced. I wept, and I did not know why. I captivated me, and filled a cavity in my chest. I did not know what I was missing, but it filled me and captured my missing essence. I never learned the very end of it, even though I spent every lunch period in the room with a piano, desperately trying to fill myself with this music. I listened to it again today and realized that I had filled that void with love. With improv, with friends, with art, with music, and with you, my dear.  And now most of that is gone. And so once again I fill my void with this song. Its different now, but my tears are the same, while the loss is greater, and I feel my blood trying to escape my veins.

Ghosts

Now I understand why some ghosts do nothing but wail and wander looking for someone. 

Dear Justin, my darling boy.

This morning, you shot yourself. I will miss you forever. My heart has broken before, but not like this. I talked to you only a few hours before it happened, and you were doing well. It seems that your mental condition did not feel that you should stay so well. It decided that you needed to have another episode at four in the morning, when there was no one awake to stop you. How I wish you would of called. How I wish I would have been there. How I wish you were still here. How I wish that i could see you smirk one more time. Hear you laugh too loud. Or just talk too loud, you were always loud, excpet when I needed some quiet. I have never met a man who so thoroughly understood me. I ccould not touch people before I met you. I could not trust before I met you. I was so little, before I met you. And here I am now, a little more than two years later. Two years was not enough. A life time, would have barely been enough. Oh my dear. My precious darling. My cutie bum, when we were alone, and you were being cute. I saw you at the mortuary today, you had a towel over your head because you had shot a hole through it. I put my hand on your arm, it was your arm. You are dead. How cold it was, how pale.....you are dead. But I"m still here. I'm still thinking about moving in with you next summer. Thinking about going on a trip with you this next Christmas. Still debating about dragging you along to paris. Still looking forward to you finishin the play. eagarly waiting to feel your hand in mine, for me to run my fingers across your head..... all of it. I need all of you here. I'm going through such a hard time, you saved me from myself before.... and now I"m all alone. Justin James, I miss you so much. I have never loved more, or been more happy.
In philosophy, we went over a theory that states a part of you is in those people around you. The happy part of me is gone. The part of me, that felt free, without inhbitions is gone. You are gone. And i hurt so much. please come back my dear. I need you so much.
You are the best man I ever knew, and I loved you for it.
If you can ever come back, I would be happy. I would hold you as tight as I could, and bawl, because I was happy.