I said I won't.

I've had a lot of people in my life kill themselves. It started when I was in seventh grade, the cutting, the pills, running away. Not me, but the people I knew. The important people.The ones I cared about and knew. After the first one died I made a promise. That I would never do that. I would never leave anyone behind like that. And each time it happened again, I promised a few more people that I wouldn't. But this is the first time that I've ever desperately wanted to. Where are all those people I promised? I sure don't have anyone one here. I've still got to deal with the same people, who are only friends because they want to date me. I've mentions them before, and I'll say again that I"m not yours. I never was, I was always his, and mine. But never theirs. I've got people I see every once in a while, I have a million faces telling me that they understand. I can't stand a single one of them. I can't stand this life. I hate it, all of it. I don't even have improv to cling to. I've got my sick self that can't sleep at night, I've got a thousand pointless things to do, you know, to just stay busy. To keep my mind off of things. To keep it away from the knives, and the pills, and the running away. The cars that veer off the road, the 'accidents', the going missing. The gas mask and oxygen, or carbon monoxide, either the most humane way to go. No mess, no pain, and just like falling asleep. I want to. I've stared into the void for far too long. Its calling. I would know, if there was something after. If it just ended then it would just end, and if not I might get to know. I said I wouldn't.... I promised I'd live....
And so I'm here. A shell. A mask that has a contract scribbled onto the front in black ink. There's an expiration date on it to. I don't want to die. I need to. Its calling. Its calling. Its calling...
I never got to say goodbye, so maybe I wasn't supposed to.
All that's left is for me to say hello.