Still a coward.

They say if there is a will there's a way. I don't have that. Not enough. I'm not enough. Maybe that's why I'm still alive. Because I was too scared. I was too scared to die, but I"m still too scared to live. Too scared to run away, too scared to stay. I don't connect to people because I'm afraid. I fight between feeling and suppressing because I don't know if I want to be a real person. Its safe to be a robot. I've always wondered what was wrong with me. I've never been to a doctor about it. But I've always wondered. When I don't see people often, I can just stop feeling, if I want. Not forever, if it goes on for more than a few months that I don't have control over it anymore. But for a day, I can just stop feeling. In philosophic debate, most of the time, for the sake of discussion, you define humans as rational animals. That's it. Later, you go into having a conscience, but it almost never includes emotions. Only sometimes. I'm too scared to live. I'm not sure what I am. Or who I am. I'm really quite bright. But because of that, I'm not very happy.
"You think too much."
I'm sorry.